Artie Lange Death Watch Pool

4.jpgWe will all die and some of us will die before our time. Many great comedians over the years have passed away because of their lifestyles and vices. Will Artie fall tragically to the same fate? Will he grow to be an old funny man or will he eat himself to death?

Post a single date on when you think Artie might die. Any user who guesses the correct date will win a prize. Remember no one wants to win this pool. We don’t want to see Artie pass.
UPDATED on 1/15/08

Artie Lange Death Pool
Year 1st Qtr 2st Qtr 3st Qtr 4st Qtr
2007 1 4 5 5
2008 8 5 4 2
2009 7 2 3
2010 1 1
2011 3 2 1
2012 1 2
2013 1 1
2015 1
2017 1
2018 2
2019 1
2020 1
2021 1
2022 1
2030 1
2031 1
2032 1
2036 1 1
2100 1



143 Responses to “Artie Lange Death Watch Pool”

  1. David Says:

    Loose the fat man, we love you!

    Hartford, CT.

  2. rjr Says:

    December 19, 2007

  3. mike Says:

    Arti you fat fuck. I’m fatter than you. Lets see how fast we can lose weight together! I’m 365! I’ll bet I can lose weight faster than you! Or die faster. Me~

  4. arron Says:

    December 10th, 2017

  5. Carlos M Says:

    Artie will kick the bucket, during the next 4 weeks.

  6. Norm McDonald Says:

    Artie you are the fattest most hilarious scumbag ever

  7. P.T. Perdue Says:

    Why are you above real critisism on the Stern Show? Howard was out of his mind when he hired you and brain dead when he decided to keep your microphone open throughout the show. you ruin the show everyday with your various stories about watching TV with your buddies and such. Please do not return to the show. It was great today with just Howard, Robin, Fred and Gary. You suck.

  8. Rocco Says:

    The Date Atrie will pass is gonna be the next Date he has sex because his heart aint gonna take it. Artie you cant ignore the fact that you are struggling to even breathe normally so please…we all want to see you get laid but take it easy for god sake. Only masturbation and in limited amounts…at least till after the Feb. 9th show in Patchogue! FIRE!!!

  9. bmatter Says:

    I think he’ll die sometime in March, during a food, booze and drug filled evening watching (and heavily betting) on college basketball’s March Madness. I’m going to guess March 14th.

  10. Darren Says:

    april 20, 2008

  11. That '70s Band Says:

    I think Artie is back on the smack out of his being dissatisfied with his physical appearance. Sure he’s famous and wealthy, and can score some fine ass still, he’s huge! Check his apt this weekend…he may have passed! 1/26or27/07

  12. Lucretruck Says:

    Even though I’m larger than Artie…I’m also 6’4” and 10 years younger! Artie I’ll be at your funeral July 18th, 2008

  13. Kenneth Perry Says:

    RIP 1/29/2030

  14. Ambrose Says:

    We don’t want another Farley. Artie quit fucking around because no of us want to be without you.

  15. robert Says:


  16. Jay Ferguson Says:


  17. bababooey73 Says:

    August 16, 2006.

    They’ve been pulling a ‘Weekend at Arties’ ever since.

  18. DevilsRule Says:

    What are you thinking, ya fat bastid? Lose some weight and live right or you’ll be dead on January 6th of 2011. I’d hate to see you go. You’re 2nd best on the show. “F Jackie”

  19. DH2007 Says:

    Here is how it will happen. Artie will have a tough day in the studio. After he realizes that he is alone in the world he will go home and proceed to call out sick for the next week. During that time he will eat constantly. Empty devil dog wrappers, pizza boxes and Hawaiian punch bottles will litter his floor. He will eventually have to roll on his side to wipe his ass like that dude that called the other day. During his filthy whipping procedure he will roll off the bed and end up face down on a half eaten pie. Artie tries to eat his way out of suffocation but ends up vomiting. Unable to lift his head out of the vomit, he will drown. He will be found face down in a pie tray, pants around his ankles and a shit covered ass. Artie, if your gonna go, make it memorable! Please try to avoid this scenario.

  20. grimreaper Says:

    may 5, 2007

  21. Brian Says:

    I hope artie doesn’t die……… I loved Beer League……..and I have’nt gotten a signed copy yet…………..LOVE YA……………FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. Corey Says:

    Artie! Come on man. Don’t die on us. They show will never be the same without you. You have more talent and money than most people will in a lifetime. Don’t waste it away because you can’t control your eating habits.

  23. Jjohn Says:

    JANUARY 22, 2008


  24. Phil Says:

    Artie will hang in there. 5/15/2036….He will have a massive heart attack after getting a lap dance from a stripper at Ronnie’s Scores and More Bar and Grill. While getting his lap dance she will tell him that she got into stripping after not having a father figure to help her grow up. She also tells him, her mom Dana dated a fireman but never got married…the long nights of listening them have sex over and over made her drop out of school and get into drugs. Stripping helped pay her drug addiction. After hearing her name is Candy Lange, Artie has a massive heart attack after shooting his wad in his pajamas. The funeral is massive. Fla Fla Funky is there, retired and owning a chain of lip reduction clinics. Fred comes down from Mars (Martians are now accepted in our society). Nobody has heard from Robin since going out in her boat for a 3 hour tour..a 3 hour tour. Howard is there with his spouse Ralph….can’t tell which is which. Sal, Richard and Beth O arrive together, their 3 way romance no longer a secret. To cap it off, flying over the coffin is Eric the Midget, he finally flew with balloons…if only Artie could have seen it.

  25. KG Says:

    Artie is the man, no question. But dude you have got to stop doing what you are doing to yourself man. You have to get control of your life. Theres now way in hell im gonna be able to get through my day without having you on the stern show. So shape up you miotherfucker.


  26. SAR Says:

    July 5, 2008

  27. Rod Says:

    I think Phil said it all

  28. Milt Wolf Says:

    June 20, 2007

  29. Jenny Keg Says:

    Show wasn’t as funny today without you, Artie. It’ll be a real shame when you die on January 7 2008. Word of wisdom, though … you don’t have to eat only salad, nuts and rice cakes to lose weight. In my book I only prescribe that for overweight homosexuals and benji. For a straight man try having a good dose of espresso without cream in the morning (it works like an appetite suppressant) and drink one of those detox teas (takes all the crap outta your system that slows you down). Half the time when your body “feels” hungry you’re actually just thirsty, so drink a lot of water and gatorade. Good luck losing weight you fat load, the clock’s ticking.

  30. Kenny G. Says:

    I’m going to guess April 1st 2007. Everyone will think its a prank at first until someone from Arties family calls the show to confirm it.

  31. jerry Says:

    We love ya artie,

    stay alive my brother.

    from all us jersey boys.

  32. jerry Says:

    the show is all ways funny,

    but artie dose add an enormous flare to the show.

    enormous:Artie’s new favorite word.

  33. Mitch Man Says:

    Put me down for , August 2008

  34. IheartArtie Says:

    July 31st, 2007

  35. Danny Says:

    Arties the man.. Remeber his character on Mad Tv? he used to say” dont make me break my foot off in your ass’ lol

  36. Kacz Says:

    March 20th, 2009

  37. whatever Says:

    Can’t you all see that he’s doing this for attention (indirectly)? This whole website is “feeding” him… He’s like a rebellious kid – the more you tell him that you want him to be healthy and take care of himself the more he’s going to pull away and make a spectale of himself. He’s full of self-hatred. Artie – eat you fat hog – eat…go ahead and kill yourself, there’s nothing we can do to stop you.

  38. artiefan Says:

    @whatever – break out the wooden paddle and electrical tape! Worked when i was a kid.

  39. whatever Says:

    I love Artie – don’t get me wrong but there’s really nothing we can do and it seems the more people try to help him the more poundage he puts on… Artie – come on dude, eating’s fun but you’re gonna DIE! Don’t let everyone try to coddle you into being skinny. Just put on the jogging shoes and start walking – that’s the only way to do this man.

  40. jeff Says:


  41. F *CK ALL YOU ARTIE HATERS!!!!!!!!!!!! Says:


  42. gfunk Says:


  43. Dante Sticaniggi Says:

    That Fat un-funny fuck will die on 01/01/08 He’ll make it through the holidays fat and alone and he’ll be so depressed he’ll OD on Brown Sugar on New Years Day at 3am. In Vegas

    Fat stupid fucker. That salaam has it fucken made but he’ll fuck it all up


  44. kermat13 Says:

    Artie–U can do it–if you can kick the heroin–u got this nailed—come on. Take small steps!

  45. muh-kine Says:

    Artie, next time you think about food, just think about Baba Booey’s breath.

  46. K-Mart Says:

    May 20, 2013

  47. Scott M Says:

    Artie will OD before he drops dead from his weight. 6 mths tops!

  48. artiefan Says:

    @Scott M – come on man, leave a date 🙂

  49. barzookajoe Says:


  50. Nick Says:

    Artie, you thick fuck, we love you start taking better care of yourself!!

  51. Nick Says:

    March 17, 2015

  52. Johnny Styne Says:

    Now that Artie has outlived Barbaro his sights are on the oldest documented person ever Jeanne Calment (1875-1997) who ate cupcakes with biscotti drenched in mozzarella for 122 years and 164 days. Thus, Artie will drop dead on March 24th, 2100 — Johnny Styne

  53. Steve Says:

    Arite you are too fuckin funny to throw it all away dude. Move your fat ass and loose the weight!!

  54. Ian Says:

    August 12 2021

  55. George from L.A. Says:

    Artie is allready dead, His corpse is rotting in front of his skyline right now.
    Not to far off if he doesnt get some help.

  56. Rex Says:

    Save the Baby Gorilla before its too late!! December 17 2008

  57. Moose Says:

    That fat fuck is happy so leave him the fuck alone……kill yourself on a devil dog you fat piece of shit love ya Artie

  58. Jackson Gorilla Says:

    It will put a damper on my yearly summer bash, but Artie will kick that same night… Aug. 18, 2007

  59. steve Says:

    It’ll definitely be after the 5 years of Sirius is up, when Artie gets away from the helping hands on Howard’s show. I’d say….
    2012 1st Quarter
    Prove me wrong you jabba the hutt looking, baby gorilla.

  60. Mark Mason Says:

    My lame idea didn’t fly

  61. Tony T Says:

    Artie will die this weekend in Vegas after listening to how excited he is to gamble, eat, do drugs and drink himself skinny. But Im pullen’ for you big guy. Met him at J&R and I was like wohhhhh….bigger than I thought. Ahh its ok man. I like to eat too. Just not as much as you.

  62. NIKKE Says:

    Artie is F**KING HOT so leave him alone!

  63. Dave Says:

    This weekend in Vegas would be my guess. Think about it…gambling, hookers, buffet’s, free Jack & water, plus the Super Bowl. Odds are, if Artie does make it out of Vegas alive he’ll be so far in debt to the Luxor that he’ll be playing a little showroom there 5 days a week for the next 3 years to pay it off.

  64. tony Says:

    Ron Burgundy just spotted Artie ordering a cup of hot fat at Haagen Daz.

    When Artie falls over, the richter scale with measure something larger than an earthquake.

  65. Daner Says:

    Artie Firmen are better than you. Fatfuck!

  66. Vinny - Detroit Says:

    Thanks for the laughs. We will miss you.

  67. Joe Pug Says:

    Toe tagged on the ides of March of this year. The cause of death will not be from over indulgence, it will come from a wrestling match with Benji over a wing ding. Then Sal will come in and jerk off on the corps and Robin will cackel with glee!

  68. Greg Says:

    when you sweat, marbles come off your ass!

  69. Death Pool Update « Save Baby Gorilla Artie Lange Says:

    […] Make sure you get your votes in here: […]

  70. Ruben Says:

    March 15, 2020

  71. Victor Says:

    It’s just not the same without Artie in the show. I hope he makes it until the end of the show. By then he’s eating disorder should be under control. so he will make it until the summer of 2031.

  72. Bob Says:

    December 10, 2008
    after calling in sick for the show.

  73. EminemsRevenge Says:

    2036…and in ten years Artie’s gonna have a hit sit-com and will be banging Stern’s youngest daughter!!!

  74. Jerry S Says:

    Dec. 24th 2007

  75. Iforgotmyname Says:

    January 1, 2008 — Wild New Year’s party.

  76. Brett Says:

    Artie, I love you but you know what? your a big successfull boy!! You have been there done that!! Do what ever the hell you want!! Enjoy life!! “Fuck your here for a good time not a long time”!! Everyone’s overall goal is to be happy and if you are, then more power to ya!!

  77. HaywoodJablome Says:

    Even though I love Artie, I’m takin Christmas ’07. The downward spiral will really kick in around summer when he still hasn’t gotten laid because it’s too much work to go get a ho.
    Artie Fn Rocks! Fy-ah!!!! F Jackie

  78. Jersey Geno Says:

    Around World Series 2007……so let’s go with 10/25/07

  79. kristin Says:

    Nov 25 2007

  80. Dan Says:


  81. Clarkie Says:

    Who ties your shoes and wipes your ass?

  82. Sternman2525 Says:

    January 2, 2008

  83. P.O. JOE Says:

    hey u fat gorilla lookin mo fucka… instead of eating a cup cakes and shit start sniffin’ll lose weight and be awake for the entire fucking show

  84. J-Dub_Cali Says:

    Artie, drop some bucks to get the fat sucked out of you… Until then April 26, 2008. You got a year and a half left. Get to screwing or running either way it is fun all the way down to rock bottom…. Go Yanks

  85. rocco6700 Says:

    2nd quarter 2011

  86. JoeValentino Says:

    I got Artie dying Jun 9, 2009

  87. Baroue Dreams Says:

    howard signed a 5 year deal = artie will have to live atleast that long.

    expected date of departure, January 9 2012, at the ripe age of 44.

  88. HAY NOW!!!!!!!!!! Says:

    April 09 2007
    Good-bye funny man

  89. Run Up The Score Says:

    I’m going with a heart attack or stroke following New Year’s, and he kicks it a few days later. January 2, 2009.

    What do I win?

  90. Misty Says:

    April 11, 2022

  91. Moosh Says:

    Hey Farley Lang-lushi

    Loose the gut or you’ll be the next Farly or Belushi

  92. bill palmer Says:


  93. arties damaged liver Says:

    I’m guessing oct 17 2018. Lose the weight you nappy headed ho. Dont let me catch you at the Malibu or Uptown. Fat drunk and funny is no way to go through life son. Live fast die young and leave a good looking corpse. At least you will have the first two right. p.s. The Artie from the Malibu is delicious

  94. mdlasure Says:

    Artie plays hard…I’m guessing August 11, 2009. I hope I’m wrong! We love you Artie!

  95. kebra Says:

    August 29, 2007 😦

  96. Barfly Says:

    Jan 2 2008 after a hard night of new years partying

  97. Doug Says:

    this fat piece of trash will drop dead this summer from a heroin od…..loser loser loser fat fuck

  98. F Artie Says:

    Summer 07..
    he’s hard on the Belushi Trail now…

  99. Artie's Hidden Ballsack Says:

    We will never see the kight of day until out masters death on June 6th 2013!

  100. FatLikeArty Says:

    March 5, 2011

  101. Vegas Bob Says:

    Artie will live on, and so will his “Pig skit” from MadTV. His comic prowess has as much clout as the smartest kid with Down Syndrome. Fire!!!!! Beotch!!!!!

  102. tt Says:

    lets face it your destined to be a farely, thats why your so entertaining cause your life is a mess, keep up the belushi-ness its hilarious

  103. Sal Governale Says:

    Thanks for fucking up a good thing (my marriage)!

  104. EZE Says:

    January 1st 2008 and thats only if he makes the new year celebration!!!

  105. Jason Says:

    April 30th 2008


    Artie the fat fucker will drop shortly after he hits 40, probably of a drug/alcohol/food overdose. If I had to pick a date, I’d say Saturday 10-13-07. RIP ARTIE

  107. artiefan Says:

    I’m hoping he doesnt die tomorrow on his birthday from a mix of alcohol and subutex

  108. Chris Cronin Says:

    december 21st 2012

  109. Jersey Boy in Ohio Says:

    April 18, 2011

  110. Boston Bob Says:

    September 16th, 2008

    By the way, “noone” is not a word, “no one” is two words.

  111. artiefan Says:

    who gives a fuck, artie can even type and im supposed to spell correctly

  112. desol81 Says:

    It’s gonna be a sprint between Artie and Andrea(Miss Howard Stern) to see who gets to wear the dirt suit first.

  113. Artie Puff'n'stuff Says:

    No one thought Jackie could be replaced……Along came Artie. Hank the angry, drunken dwarf died….Now we have Eric the (author,actor) midget. The show will go on, probably better

  114. hackett Says:

    march 30 2009
    prove me wrong artie the show wouldnt be the same without you

  115. Rick Says:

    2 words and a hyphen

    Gastric By-pass

    It worked for me–day of surgery 407 pounds, approx 1 year later 207!!!

    Aurora, CO

  116. Allison Says:

    March 17th 2008

  117. Tank Says:

    I respect the man……..12/14/18.

    Yeah, that’s right, fuck yall.

  118. knobby Says:

    I eat wrong and pop pills like tic tacs and drink everynite and I will live fore ever. My buddy however does a q ball a week and may kick it sonner. unless this fat fuck is doing q balls and smoking rock me and him have a fighting chance!

  119. Ranthi Says:

    February 15, 2011

  120. Tim Says:

    March 14, 2009

  121. Lon Jandis Says:

    It will be sad when Artie dies in the 3rd quarter of 2009 😦

  122. raggnarok Says:

    Who really gives a fuck? Artie you are an unfunny jerk off in the first place. I wouldn’t even go so far as to say that you were even mildly amusing. You couldn’t ever be compared to John Belushi “On any level” as you have worn out that phrase. At least Belushi was funny and had a career other than paid whores and heroin.
    You might want to lose some fat you disgusting piece of unfunny shit. Whay not eat a few more bagels with lots of butter, and maybe fifteen or twenty cupcakes an hour might help you attain your high goal of death like Chris Farley of you also could not be compared to.
    You are a piece of shit Artie, you just happened to be in the right place at the right time when you got on the Stern shit show. But if being on the Stern show is your idea of suckcess, then you are lower down the scale of comedy than previously thought.
    So if you kick off today or next week I could give a shit.

  123. Magik Says:

    Hate to say this but if things don’t change he won’t make 45 so:

    Dec. 27, 2011

  124. LaRhonda Says:

    I love Artie and I think he will find love and happiness, which will help him pull himself together. So I think he will hang around till Jan. 10, 2032

  125. Jooka Says:

    January 7th 2009. Go Artie, Go!

  126. Carson's Ribs Fan Says:

    April 20th 2008

  127. David Says:

    I think he’ll last for a good while..He’ll eventually quit the Stern show (likely at end of current contract) and then just die of a heart attack at like age 52 or something. I can’t imagine him making it to 60 or 65.

  128. Erich von Karl Says:

    Artie is a great person, a funny guy and overall cool dude. But he’s a fucking mess and he’s surrounded by people that not only don’t give a shit, but make a living exploiting his explosive lifestyle and unspoken death wish.

    He’ll drop dead in the second quarter of 2010! No boubt about it!!

    It will be between April – June of 2010. He’s stick around for the beginning of the baseball season to say, “Farewell” to his beloved Yankees. But Meatball Face will shed this mortal coil at that time. The Yankees, in turn, will then win one for the Baby Gorilla. Forget about “The Gipper,” but win one for “Da Gorilla.”

    His co-workers and so called friends will all cry crockadile tears, but in the end just make jokes about the lovable Pasta Belly that is no more. You can hear the song parodies now if you put your ear to the tragic airwaves of tomorrow.

    Think about it … whether cracking jokes on the Stern Show of doing stand- up in Pittsburgh, Artie was surrounded by users that only saw him as a temportary tool in life’s tragic comedy.

    Your should have picked better “friends” Fat Man; you will be missed.

    Goodnight, sweet prince.

    See you in that big opium den in the sky.

    I will join you soon.

    E v. K

  129. Kentucky Erich Says:

    I agree with Erich von Karl,

    It will be the second quarter of 2010.

    He has no support group and can’t do it alone. Stern, along with those comedy clubs in Pittsburgh (and everywhere esle) only exploit this poor Baby Gorilla while poking and prodding him with the cruel stick of fate. They don’t love him, but the tragidy that is/was his sad life.

    That’s the truely sad part: this poor fat bastard doesn’t have a single real friend.

    Maybe he’ll find peace in his next life.

    Like you said bro, “In that big Opium Den in the sky.”

    Kentucky Erich

  130. BrewCityJosh Says:

    Im fresh outta doing 3 years in prison i got out on parole in august, if your wondering i was in for drug possesion with intent and several battery cases, i was huge into the show before i got locked up and as soon as i got out i tried to start where i left off and i was amazed at how big things have gotten, im still doing research on the show and all that shit and artie of course, cuz thats my fuckin guy right there, u know, artie is the man and ive bought everything, i dont wanna see this mother fucker die, it would be so easy on him but so hard and impacting on the people that care about him, i was on the same path before i got locked up and it saved my mother fuckin life, i have an extreme addictive personality, i have a degree now and im makin 80k a year, u have fuckin everything man, u really need to think and constantly remind yourself about all the people u have out there that worry and care about u, dont worry about ur mother fuckin self u shlub, if u care or not about yourself, just think about the people that love you and how much it would hurt them, get yourself together mother fucker, jesus christ artie

    i think hes at crossroads right now, make it or break it either u get ur shit together or u fuckin die, its ur choice bro

    -i love you man and id hate to lose someone as special as you fool

    sooner or not for a long time im sayin 5-22-08

  131. BrewCityJosh Says:

    dude ive been whacked out on H- X- LSD- Coke out the asshole- every kinda opiate u could ever imagine, im sayin perc vics xanax clonezepam demoral methadon-which didnt help me for shit when i was tryin to stop- i was taking everything anything addictive would be my vice, and i know u know exactly what im fuckin saying artie, u have so much to be greatful for dude, u have everything and u still dont care, i dont fuckin get it dude, get yourself together, but the whole point of this comment was to tell u your not the only person whos been there and i think, i REALLY THINK, u need a good girl to set u straight man or ur gonna fuckin kill yourself man…. u have a long career ahead of u man, if u would just get yourself together, god damn it, dont throw it all away for nothing, handle ur fuckin business ur a grown ass man and u could be headlining every late night show if u would get ur fuckin act together god damn man….

    im worried about u man


  132. Death Watch updated « Artie Lange - Save Baby Gorilla Says:


  133. Joopster Says:

    I will take the 4th quarter of 2009. Nice job with the poll Matt, I like.


  134. Joopster Says:

    I am retarded…I say December 5th 2009.

  135. Chris Farley Says:

    Artie will return to me on the early morning hour of April 14, 2008.

  136. Mike Says:

    November 30, 2025

    Artie takes a dirt nap

  137. sterNFan 33 Says:

    Artie will absolutely, not come back from the amsterdam trip OMG it is the biggest mistake anyone could make DO NOT GO Artie will die of a Heroine O.D. they say the best H is in Amsterdam Again HE WILL NOT COME BACK

  138. Jnich67 Says:

    Artie will die during the fourth quarter of 2008 – after Dana leaves him again, late this summer. Mark these words!


  139. The Grim Reaper Says:

    I will be glad to come and get Artie’s big fat bloated carcass! I figure by doing so, I will be doing everyone a favor, so nobody will have to listen to his dumb-ass anymore. I should have picked him before this time, but there were other ass-holes ahead of him. Yeah, you all know what a loser he is, don’t you? Couldn’t keep a job on “Mad TV” (which he was never funny on), fell in love with drugs and gambling, and he chased Dana away, and his movie went straight to DVD 2 weeks after it was made. Now he sits around on the Stern Show with some white anti-drug(?) smeared across his lips, but in reality, it is sperm. Yep! You guys have to realize that Artie is fucking gay! All these hot chicks come on the show, and the only way Artie wants to have sex with them, is if he throws money at them to tell everyone that they had sex, but they never did! He is, and never was funny….GET OVER IT! At least Jackie was funny and knew when to leep his trap shut. Artie just interjects when ever he wants to tell some made up story, just so Howard will give him a paycheck. Like I said…I can’t wait for obese, bloated, sperm slurping, drugged out, drunken, should have taken his father’s place on the roof, loser to pass into my realm. Har Har Har!

  140. Evan Says:

    July 17, 2009…

  141. Joe Says:

    January 20th 2009

  142. casino Says:

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  143. Grim Reaper Says:

    “Hi everyone, thought I’d pop in and say; HI!
    It’s been a while, so just thought I’d mention I’m currently on the lookout for Mr.Arnold Lange. I somehow keep missing him over at his compound media show. However, he has to show up sometime I guess this space, as this blog might get busy real soon!”

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